18 Dec 2016

Past Entry 34

18 December 2013

Well. It's been quite some time since I've written anything on the blog, let alone another Past Entry. But I suppose it "feels right" now to do one, considering the circumstances I'm in at the moment.

"Am I feeling better now?" and "Am I okay?" are the questions that I keep asking myself still. And I still hesitate to answer "yes" to both. I still feel like an outsider who's merely playing along, keeping my mask on so that the other actors on stage with me can get on with the show. And I still feel lost about what to do many times...though it's been happening slightly less often.

The saying about joining them if you can't beat them irks me a bit, because it sounds like conceding to an ill fate that may or may not actually be predestined. But at this point, the option of beating them is long gone. I'm stuck permanently with the only choice of assimilating with them until the time comes. And it's not going to do anybody any good if I keep on fighting to no end.

So instead I'm trying my best to look like anybody but an at-risk youth who occasionally goes on the verge of tearing my hair out and screaming for cosmic justice. I'm not exactly happy. I'm not close. But I'm certainly putting in my all to not let myself slip further into despair and agony before freedom comes.

In other news, I might not be doing something special for Christmas. I might instead do something special for New Year's Day, seeing that it's way too close to the 25th already and I haven't prepared anything yet. Perhaps a story about a man who initially resigned himself to a death before 2014, but changed his mind at the last few moments because of... something I've yet to decide.

And I'll have an entire free break from Dec 25 to Jan 1 thanks to leave days, so that'll give me time to do that alongside other stuff. It is, after all, "only" about a year left in my service. I quoted "only" because that's not quite my opinion. The past year felt like a period of havoc and frustration in general, and could have barely dragged on any longer in my mind. Yet it does mean that I'm halfway there already.

I'm quite sure I wouldn't say I'll miss the two years. In fact I'll probably be quite happy to completely leave them in the dust, in a very neglected corner of my mental memory storage. Nothing else had exacted so much emotional toil on me before, and I'm certainly not going to wish I could relive these moments. Well, perhaps go back in time and change a few critical events, maybe. But it's considered a dark age in my books now.

I guess one of my resolutions for 2014 is to remain as physically and mentally intact as possible until 2015.