5 Feb 2016


February: the month of the Lunar New Year and Valentine's Day. Talks of romance and love between a couple. The call for singles to find a lifelong partner or "die all alone". And for married couples to have children. I can't really say I care too much about that.

Really. I only entertained the idea of having my own family exactly once. And even then I was under heavy influence of the euphoria and emotion in that situation. All I'll say is that there was a particular workshop I went for, that at one point asked people to imagine themselves twenty or even thirty years down the road "watching your children do you and your spouse proud". Accompanied with sentimental music and darkened lights. Won't lie, I almost teared up in that moment.

I still remember what I imagined in my head, and ever since the workshop ended I found that vision to be totally ridiculous. Even more improbable in hindsight now, when romance is of so little concern to me. I don't feel pressured to find somebody else to be with for the rest of my life, let alone have progeny with.

I anticipate that I'll have the problem of pulling my weight in a romantic relationship. I already have hesitations committing to a platonic friendship. I already feel the big weight of taking care of myself, let alone others. And it hurts so much to have failed the social contract and betray someone's trust that has built up through time and effort. I can only imagine that the penalty for failing to maintain/strengthen a romantic relationship is amplified thousandfold.

Even ignoring the consequence of failure, I just can't get the allure of romance. I don't like the idea of choosing someone else to share most of my privacy with for the rest of my life. I like my personal space, and keeping it personal. Even if my private indulgences overlap with someone else's, that doesn't mean I'll get along well with that person by intersecting my personal space with that person's.

Some would say that my cynicism is due to having not met "the right one" yet. Someone whom I wouldn't mind sacrificing my privacy and freedom to spend a great deal of my living time with. Suppose I know that this person does exist, but I don't know the person's identity. I still wouldn't feel urgency to deliberately seek out "that one", because I know life is way more than just pairing up with a really compatible partner. To give up on many of life's experiences to sieve through potentially millions of candidates is not worthwhile. I'd rather that I stumble upon "the one" as a pleasant surprise, but still be content otherwise.

Basically, romance is nowhere near one of my top few priorities for me. And I doubt that would change much in the future.

Also means I'm more likely to be watching Deadpool than be on a date this Valentine's.