8 Jul 2015

Past Entry 36

8th July 2014

Whoops. I've completely neglected this Past Entry thing for a looooooong time. But I guess it makes things interesting. I can compare the differences between me at the time of writing this, and the me who wrote the previous Past Entry.

So... a brief status check:

I'm still stuck serving National Service in the Air Force as a clerk.

I'm still trying to sort out my anxiety and other related issues.

I've started going for IT night classes since June-ish.

All things considered, perhaps I'm moving in a more productive direction than the last time.

Don't get me wrong, I still don't like where I am right now in NS. I could have done so much more in say the MDC or the SAF Film Unit or whatever. Right now I still feel completely misused. My interests & specialities don't align at all with what I've been tasked to do. I feel as much of an outsider/foreigner as I did the first time I started my allocated job.

But I know that a lot of the frustration and worry was self-built. There was a lot of speculation, a lot of regret, a lot of self-loathing. And I didn't know how to break out of it initially.

So I'm a little wary that I'd end up going through such a "period" again in the future. I don't want to act up again in other high-stress situations & environment, but that's as easy as juggling knives to me. It's hard not to slip.

Medication can only take me so far. And I can't rely on subsidies forever.

Perhaps by the time this post gets published, I'd have found a way to deal with myself better.

Because even now, I still have trouble understanding myself.