28 Jul 2015

Past Entry 31

28th July 2013

Well. It's been some time. And to be frank I hesitated for a really long time before deciding it's time to do another one of these.

Why hesitate? I try to make these Past Entries when I think I'm at a certain important point in my life, that I think is worth bringing up again in the future. But what if I feel like there's almost nothing important in your life at the moment? What if I'm inching through a dark period of my life at a frustratingly lethargic pace? Do I still want to bring up such a horrible part of my memories back up again?

At first, I thought that there wasn't a need to force myself to do something I don't feel comfortable with, just for the sake of making sure the Past Entries aren't too far apart. Then I thought for a while longer. Actually, the fact that I'm in a situation that I absolutely hate being in is precisely why I have to do this.

I've grown really tired of trying to accept where I am at the moment. Most people would be fine with telling themselves to suck it up and work like the minions they're supposed to be. I realised that I can't do that. Even if I wanted to, I can't. I just can't bear being tied down by so many restrictions, some even arbitrary. Being free to do what I want is something I can't get out of my mind at all, to the point that it's quite a strong craving.

I suppose I should be thankful that having to stick through this horrible experience for exposing myself to my own weaknesses, but I'm too frustrated and scared and tired and angry to do that. Even now the urge to just get the hell out of this is rising, but I've only put this to an ultimate last resort. Although I think it's almost time to use this final last resort...

I just hate it. I HATE IT. Never before have I felt it necessary to use the word "hate" or anything similar so often, to express what I'm feeling or thinking. I'm just sickened by my own incapability to live with my situation, let alone fix it. Every passing day I want to smack on an imaginary red "EJECT" button that'll send me off away from this crap forever, or at least for a long while so when I come across similar crap in the future, I'll be more prepared to deal with it.

Maybe I am naturally inclined towards being a free spirit. I don't want to see myself stuck in mundane cycles. It may not be a "practical" lifestyle, but I'll be free to do more of what I want, see more of what I want to see, learn more of the things I'm curious about, explore more of what I want to uncover, discover more of what I'm unaware of.

And that's probably one of the points I want my future self to take away(well, technically be reminded of) from this. If I want to live the way I want to live, I probably have to make sure I can afford the resources to let myself move around and acquire more experience, not just in quantity but also in variety. 

...so... erm... I don't really know what else to add here really...

Oh and uh... I suppose I should also remind myself to know my limits. I don't want to end up blindly forcing myself beyond my threshold, and cause myself(or others) more harm in the future. I know I'm naturally not as mentally resilient as the average person. I can only tolerate so much pressure and stress before I crack.

But in a country that often gets so wrapped up in her pursuits for growth and progress, how am I going to stop myself from being overwhelmed by the high pressure?