31 Aug 2014

Weak

September's here, huh?

I wish I could say "how time flies" or "can't believe it's September already", but it felt nothing like that to me.

The great changes I've experienced since two years back have been at least a little more than stressful and disorienting to me. I just mostly ended up feeling even more vulnerable than I did.
Should I feel grateful that I've come across my vulnerabilities because of this?

I feel pretty torn on what to think about this. I might not have been exposed so rawly to my own weaknesses otherwise, but it all came at me all at once. It hurt a lot. Of course I'm not saying that I want to avoid all the pain, but I didn't have much time to acclimatise. Nor did I have anybody who could fathom the struggles I had within myself throughout. Even today I'm still not free from internal conflicts.

Is it the fault of the system then?

I don't know. I can't claim to know about all the ins and outs of this system. My position isn't great enough for me to point fingers and claim where the areas of fault are, that led me to endured the horrible experience I had. Maybe the system's already sufficient enough to cater for a great majority of each intake. And I happen to fall through the very tiny cracks and get wrecked. Or maybe the crack's not as small as they think to be neglected now. I can't say.

Then, did I end up changing for the better?

Perhaps, perhaps not. I suppose I'm a little wiser now, knowing myself a little better, and knowing the strengths and flaws of other people whom I wouldn't have met otherwise. I've grown somewhat numb to my circumstances. That in no way means I like it now, let alone enjoy it. It's just... I can't find any other way out. I can't feel much of the pain any more. Which scares me. What's to say I won't end up slipping into similar detrimental situations, especially in future jobs?

At times I still wish all those years behind were still part of a very bizarre and continuous dream, and when I wake up I find myself back before any of that crap happened. And I could avoid the ominous prophecy.

One thing's for sure: this nightmarish chapter will not last forever.

And I will not miss it.