24 Nov 2013

Just Friends

Do I have any best friends?

Perhaps in some time in the past, I did. I don't quite remember. Not that I don't have people that I interact with in positive manners. I have found partners that I can hold a conversation with, that isn't limited to just talk about the weather or the recent news in the papers.

Nowadays? I tend not to have super close relationships, romantic or platonic. Family still holds a high priority for me. I can make and break friendships, but blood ties are much less replaceable. This doesn't mean I don't like having friends. I'm fine with acquaintances. I'm fine with a small circle of more-that-acquaintances. I'm fine with Facebook friends(not too many though). I'm even fine with pals from other online communities that I participate in.

But I guess I'm not that comfortable with strong commitment to a friendship, let alone a romantic relationship. I'm frankly kinda selfish with my own time and space, to put it bluntly. Well, more like I feel that I need the time and space for my own recuperation and reflection. Even with friendly faces I can only spend so much energy interacting with people. So I'd rather that my acquaintances know I'm being an acquaintance for them, than be disappointed when I can't support the next-level relationship that we jump into.

And I'm fine with that. I don't feel lonely. When we drift apart, it's not too much of a loss. And if we meet again, I still feel happy for the both of us. If we don't, then I move on. This isn't being heartless. It's just placing less weight on my own personal attachments to people. I know the pain of losing a friend or a dearly beloved partner, and I'm not sure I can bear to face that just yet. So I'd rather continue exploring the world around me, without fear of causing severe emotional damage to myself and others.

So for now I'm okay with being in this infamously detested friend-zone. Or even just an acquaintance-zone. I'm not preoccupied on romantic aspirations. And I'm not hungering for a BFF that would protect me when I'm in trouble, or make sacrifices to benefit me, or give me the bitter medicine I need when I'm ill.

Just don't be horribly annoying to me and we'll probably do fine.