6 Oct 2013

Me + Myself

Are you okay?

No, I'm not.

Why not?

I still don't feel like myself.

That's really vague. And that's something you've been saying a lot.

I know, but I can't pinpoint it. You know how horrible I am at narrowing down my feelings.

But surely there's something else more specific that you can mention?

Not really...

Come on.

...well, I still feel like I'm stuck in the wrong situation as the wrong person. Like I shouldn't be here at all, that this could still be one really long-running nightmare that I've yet to wake up from.

That's better. Well. Why do you think you aren't where you're supposed to be in life now?

Erm... for one, I've never had this persistent sensation of utter confusion and feeling lost before.

You mean you felt like you had a grip on things previously?

Uh... not that I had everything in complete control before, but it wasn't as bad as this.

So what do you think caused the shift?

I don't know... the only thing that seemed to significantly change for me was the transition from school to the military. I don't want to put all the blame on that, but I've yet to figure out any other factors. However, I can't just escape from that if I wanted, right?

Well, it's either that you change the situation, or you change the way you deal with it.

I know that. It's just... how do I change myself if I'm already having such a hard time trying to figure myself out? I've been attempting to sort myself out and "fix" myself for years. And I don't want to have to trudge on and continue suffering unnecessarily...

You know how the higher-ups are like. They're very reluctant to let any case go just like that. They aren't too reliable in getting you out. But they are willing to give you all that you need to bear with the rest of the period.

But I'm very afraid that it won't be enough. Every day at the back of my mind, there's the scary possibility that I would go mental and harm myself and others.

You have not much choice but to put faith in these people who have the expertise to help you out.

I'm still scared.

So am I. But your only option at the moment seems to be to grit your teeth and continue enduring.

How is that reassuring?

You know I can empathise with you the best.

I don't even understand myself fully at times, so how can I expect someone else to do the same?

You made me. So naturally what I know must come from what you know.

That only makes you as ignorant as I am about the dangers that lie ahead.

But that also makes you as hopeful as I am. My strength is your strength. Look, maybe we'll talk some other time. Even a little conversation like this can help.

I guess...

See you later.


...what is going on with me?