20 Oct 2013


I guess it's not completely wrong to say that I'm emotionless.

Not that I don't feel any emotion at all. I do. I'm not a soulless robot. I am capable of feeling joy, sorrow, anger, ecstasy, despair... just that I tend not to show it. I guess it's because I don't really want to, and even if I did, it's a bit hard for me to express myself as such physically, somehow even more so for positive emotions. Probably why I seem a bit more open online, since my online personality has slightly different language quirks from my offline self.

Now why is it that I don't really want to wear my emotions on my sleeve? Or anywhere on my body?

I'm not quite certain myself. Could just be a part of my personality. Could be a natural thing that can't be completely overcome. But I do remember certain instances in the past where I was immersed in rushes of emotion: surges of excitement, of fear, of fury, of wanderlust. They just hit me and I didn't completely know why. 

At least I think I experienced those rushes... I've been trusting my own long-term memory less and less.

Maybe I don't really want to display my emotions partly because I fear I may not be able to control myself. If such surges come again, I may end up leaving myself really exhausted, and at least annoying loads of others as well. It may not be too bad if it's a surge of happiness or excitement, but if it were of anger or frustration or depression, the impact would be worse.

Ah well. I still have other venues to express myself with, so that I don't have to bottle up my emotions for too long and possible cause future emotional surges. Like this blog for instance. I don't care too much about how many people come here or what they say here if they do say anything. I write stuff here partly because I want to get it out of my system.

It may also be why I have a strong leaning towards music, both on the producing and receiving ends. Music can have the fantastic ability to express just what one wants to feel or say, even when words fail. Well, many art forms can do just that, I guess, so that's not limited to music alone.

Perhaps I'm just weird in this way, preferring not to express myself directly with this physical vessel that I've been granted with. Instead I'd rather use proxies. But that's not really too big of a flaw, is it?