15 Sep 2013

Not Quite Myself

It wouldn't be a complete truth to say that I'm feeling just fine.

Am I sick? Well, at least not in the sense of coughing or sneezing or running a high fever. But my mind doesn't seem like what it used to be. Okay, technically my mind is never what it used to be just a moment ago. But I seem to be in a vastly different mental state compared to, say, a year back. It's almost like my mind just shifted gears, but it's stuck in a really uncomfortable setting.

It's getting harder to get myself out of my anxiety cloud. And it's happening more often, without warning. I can't anticipate when it'll happen, but I always end up catching myself suddenly in the midst of this swarm of negative thoughts in my head. And these thoughts... I can't make sense of many of them. They're just abstract presences that flood my head, and all I can do at the moment is momentarily ignore them, hoping they fade away. That's what happens most of the time.

Now it's not like I didn't have these bubbling of strange negative thoughts before. As a student, even in primary school, it did happen, but at a much lower frequency. That frequency increased the older I got, because of the greater number and familiarity of concepts and issues I became aware of, and the increasing awareness of my own thoughts. I still managed to keep it more or less under control most of the time. By that I mean I didn't get so overwhelmed that I became paralysed and unable to function, but it still affected me a little during crucial times like taking exams, or even just while barely doing anything at all. And sometimes I do get disturbed by surges of these negative thoughts.

I don't know if what I'm experiencing now is the result of the accumulation of this mental stress that I've largely been ignoring for years. Maybe it's been accelerated by the main variable that's changed in my life recently: National Service. What part(s) of NS, I'm not sure. I haven't a freaking clue about what's going on with me.

I don't even feel like I have as much control over my mind as I did in school. Right now, even during moments of leisure, I don't feel like my mind is "here". In fact it often feels like my mind's... well, sort of fragmented and self-conflicting. Like there is more than one mind in my head that comes up with differing opinions and judgements. And I'm not sure that's normal. I mean it's fine if you are like debating an issue or writing an essay and you're looking at both sides of the two-sided argument... but this is making me doubt my own thoughts even more than before. That's partly why I've been having problems thinking about what to write on the blog lately, while trying to avoid things that may be too personal for comfort.

So why am I typing this all out anyway? I already have made this known to those who seem to be able to get me the help I need to figure this out. But I figured it may be good as well to tell this to the rest of you who closely interact with me, to at least let you know that I'm sorting my head out and it's not me being a cold jerk. And by typing this out, it's sort of helped me get a firmer perspective of my problem. I still can't tackle the specific roots yet though.

But I promise I'm trying my best to keep things from going out of control, if not completely fix my head. I just wish I could have acted on this much sooner though...