28 Jul 2013

Different

Maybe I'm too tired of sameness. Perhaps even sick of sameness.

I never really liked being in any kind of uniform, not even in primary school. It felt like I was treated as a non-human property of the school. Well I guess there are rational reasons for implementing the wearing of uniforms, but I still didn't like being in a uniform. The uniform I wore often came attached with so many unfair negative assumptions about the wearer, it became close to a real physical burden to wear them.

When I listen to music, I don't stick to the same radio station all the time. I always shuffled around, sometimes going for non-English songs, sometimes going for less mainstream music, sometimes even just listening to random online streams. Somehow I can't get myself to be exposed to a single genre of music for too long. I can never have one favourite music artiste or one favourite genre at all.

Maybe I wasn't so aware of my need for variety and differences before. I did know that I wanted to be different. I also knew I couldn't help being different already in some major aspects. I never really conformed to many of the popular stereotypical moulds that our society has prepared. I definitely have a deep interest in music, but not to the point that I see myself inhaling and dreaming a narrow type of musical content. I have an interest in the sciences, but I have trouble seeing myself stuck in a narrow field of sciences in the future. I wouldn't say I hated my schools, but I can never bring myself to think I would be a living example of what the schools wanted in their students. It's not because I played myself down a lot, but because I didn't want to adhere to the schools' visions and values so fervently, and end up resembling another one of the few top clones produced. Of course not all of the top few were perfect plastic copies. There are a few unique people, but there are precisely only a few.

It wasn't such a huge bother to me before, but now the need for individuality and variety has swollen to the point that I can't ignore it any more, among one of several thorns in my side. In an organisation that even more strongly enforces the idea of conforming to strict rules and fiercely encourages incomers to adhere to the perfect model of a "gentleman", this desire to break out of this zone of homogeneity is hurting me from the inside. It takes so much energy away from me to suppress this desire.

And what's the closest thing I have to breaking out of this stifling monotony? The Internet. It's not exactly effective since I don't physically get away from all of this, but surfing online is the most convenient way of constantly reminding myself that there are still a variety of people and content out there, some even newly discovered or created. Not as effective as, say, a round-the-world vacation, but it curbs this desire, even if just a tiny little bit.

Maybe I do need to get out more... but I'm usually so exhausted and bothered that I can't bring myself to go out. If only I could dive into this monitor screen I'm staring at right now, and just literally surf across the vast sea of the Internet...