9 Jun 2013

I'm Sorry

I'm sorry, but this can't wait. I don't think I can keep waiting for the next time I see the counsellor or another MO or a psychiatrist before I say this. It's been flooding my mind and I need to get it out.

I'm sorry that I've turned out to be one of the few exceptions that's quickly slipping through the cracks in your system. I had suspicions very early on, but never acted on them.

I'm sorry that I restrained myself so much in the beginning, and now I'm paying the price. I'm sorry that I had to drag in so many people that shouldn't even be involved in the first place. I'm sorry that I'm regressing and I didn't anticipate it earlier.

I'm sorry that I pretended to be strong and capable of facing the new strange challenges that I faced, even when I'm not. Faking it till I made it never did, and still isn't working for me. I'm sorry that I'm failing so much at adapting to the culture, the regimentation, the system... I'm hopelessly lost.

I'm sorry that I fooled myself into thinking I'll be able to survive this and emerge as a much more improved man. I'm sorry that I deluded myself into thinking I'd be able to easily deal with the same stuff that so many other servicemen have been able to tackle, and even more. I'm sorry that I deceived myself into thinking I could handle myself and others around me.

I'm sorry that I've screwed myself into where I am now, desperately trying to get myself out of this hole. I'm sorry that my mistakes end up costing me and other people so much time and effort to rectify. They can no longer be undone, but at least the damage can still be minimised before things get worse. I'm sorry that I didn't take the chance to speak up early on, and prevent this series of events from even unravelling.

I'm sorry that I can't fulfill the typical role of the obedient and capable soldier. I'm sorry that I'm too frail, both physically and mentally, to be able to be shaped into a useful reliable person, let alone a powerful warrior on the field. I'm sorry that I can't even use my few strengths to help out in any way.

I'm sorry that I let myself end up this way. I'm sorry that I shunned away open doors that could've let me to salvation, because I was cocky and stubborn, thinking that all this will pass. I'm sorry that I allowed myself to get worse, instead of stemming the problem early on.

I'm sorry that I never said much to my own family. I'm sorry that I never expressed most of my inner thoughts and feelings to my colleagues. I'm sorry that I hardly thought of seeking advice and support from friends. I'm sorry that I didn't even listen to myself at first.

I'm sorry that I can't be the man I'm expected to be. I'm sorry that I can't deal with the typical challenges that I'll surely face in years to come. I'm sorry that I can't handle the real world... most of it at least.

I'm sorry that my mind has been even more of a mess than before, because I let it get messed up. I'm sorry that even much earlier, I didn't do much to address my inner conflicts and mental stress. I'm sorry that I didn't take this more seriously.

I'm sorry for letting it get to this point. None of this had to happen. The only way I can hope of atoning for my carelessness, ignorance and stubbornness is only partly under my control, and the other parts of the machine are handled by hidden hands.

I'm sorry for inducing so much worry and concern from my superiors. They have shown so much care for me and have been actively taking steps to alleviate my situation a little, but we all know just my presence has been influencing everyone around me negatively. I don't want my mental burdens to bleed into their heads and infect them too, so all the more I can't stay much longer.

I'm sorry for keeping up the pretense for so long. Instead of helping me cope, it made me even more sick. My fears of rejection, judgement, exploitation, carelessness, and loss, among many other fears that exist as a black blur in my head, just grew and grew, occupying more space in my head. It was getting harder to suppress these negative thoughts. It still is.

I'm sorry I'm not strong enough to continue the fight. It's either I get consumed and lose myself, or I find an escape. Which one will cause the least further damage?

I'm sorry I'm not fit for this. Not even I thought at first that I'd have to deal with so much torment. I thought I'd be comfortable with a simple desk job that doesn't demand anything physically demanding from me, and yet it isn't just the job that's eating at me.

I'm sorry I can't satisfy even the minimum requirements expected out of me. These two years could have granted me a chance to more windows of opportunity to come. Yet I'm silently(well not so silent now) suffering even before the first quarter has ended. I can't even look ahead anymore when my mind is plagued with problems. I wish I could switch off most of my brain and let my subconscious mind do the work.

I'm sorry I can't even steel myself against typical environmental influences.

I'm sorry that my way of thinking doesn't really fit in anywhere in the system.

I'm sorry I lack the tenacity to press on. I couldn't even find the courage to divulge everything I had to the first chance I got.

I'm sorry. I can't do this much longer. The wild thoughts that fill my mind are scaring me. Thoughts of escape, of consequences, of failure, of release, of endings... I tried so many times, but I can't purge them out.

I'm sorry. I've done so much by myself to keep it under control, but I'm having problems and I need help to make an exit before I get worse. I can't take the extreme swings between the weekdays and weekends. I can't take the constant switches between being at the workplace and being at home or somewhere else. I feel like I'm being torn apart.

I'm sorry, but I don't want to do something stupid and irreversibly damaging. My only rational option left isn't being realised fast enough. And if that's gone, even I have no clue what will happen to me, other than knowing that it'll worsen the situation.

I'm sorry. I can't do this.

I'm sorry...