9 Jun 2013

Beyond Me

It's getting to the point that I'd really rather spend my time in places other than real life, like my dreams. 

That's not to say all of my dreams are pleasant. There are a few scary ones. Even so, I know I can change the dreams. I've been gaining a little bit more control in my dreams. Funny that at the same time I seem to be losing control over my real life.

My dreams have variety. I may be chilling in the mall, watching a movie in a cinema, playing a game at the arcade, having a nice lunch at a bistro, attending a seminar... or I may be running away from a beast rampaging through the cities, cutting through buildings like butter... or I may be an unlikely hero wielding a mystical sword journeying towards an amethyst tower, ready to slay the evil wizard... or I may be at a theme park experimenting with my ability to fly and defy gravity... 

And my life? My weekdays are strictly confined to a routine that I absolutely hate, and my weekends are mostly spent doing brainless stuff just to recover from the accumulated stress and damage from the weekdays. 

A part of me hopes that I've been dreaming up this whole series of events so far, and when I wake up, I find myself back in secondary or even primary school, where I can ensure I don't make the same mistakes that my "dream self" did. Or maybe I'll wake up and find that my entire life was a silly dream, and I'm actually someone else entirely with a completely different (and hopefully more exciting and rewarding) life. Maybe my real self is sleeping on a floating bed in a state-of-the-art hospital, yet to recover from a coma a year after some accident in the year 3017. 

Another part of me hopes that I can just fall asleep, and never wake up for a long time. Not permanently in a comatose state, but long enough that when I wake up, I no longer have to deal with the frustrating situation I was stuck in any more, and can move on to more manageable issues. Maybe 1.5 years? 2?

A third part of me wishes I could be in suspended animation for even longer, so when I wake up it's so far in the future that the people I knew have now become almost entirely irrelevant. And I get a chance to start a fresh new life with the head-start of accumulated knowledge and some physical & mental maturity.

A fourth part of me wants to just jump into the Internet and roam the Web as a free consciousness forever, but that doesn't have much to do with dreams or sleep.

I don't know why I've been thinking about the idea of being unconscious or collapsing this reality, but it's been happening more and more. The thinking, not actually being unconscious or doing anything drastically reality-changing. I can't seem to do anything that'll matter even a little within my capacity. Maybe that's why I keep feeling I need to rely on something beyond my own power to help me out.

I'm almost out of options for me to deal with my situation...