30 Jun 2013

Ripples To Tsunamis

Times are changing. The future is even more unpredictable than before.

We are in a century where possibilities multiply and materialise even faster than before. The cross-pollination of ideas is accelerated and broadened even more. The reach and application of technology is exploding. Experimentation and open-mindedness are accepted and encouraged. Perceptions are more quickly adjusted as we get more exposed to different perspectives.

The future is even more malleable and volatile than before. We have more impact in our actions now.

Is this a good or bad thing?

23 Jun 2013

Haze/Heart

I see less than before.

My path has become more obscured.

For now I can do naught but wait.

It was only a slight hindrance before... or at least I convinced myself it was. Then things just built up. And didn't stop.

I couldn't do anything except watch.


16 Jun 2013

Father

What do you give to the man who gives a lot, yet doesn't ask for much in return?



Do you give him another belt to keep his attire from falling apart?

Do you give him another tie to make him look as smart as ever?

Do you give him another watch to help him keep in touch with the flow of time?

Do you give him another pair of boxers or briefs so he can continue to protect his modesty and feel secure?

Do you give him another normal shirt or pair of pants to expand his normal wardrobe?


15 Jun 2013

Past Entry 24

15 June 2012


Oh my goodness. That was one intense piano recital I just had.


A video camera with a red light aimed at me as I played while the examiner scribbled things down from time to time, occasionally looking up to me with a stern cold look. That certainly didn't help me with the hands-doing-weird-things-for-no-reason problem.


Well I'm done with this at least. If I fail I'll guess I'll try again next year, sad to say. If I pass however, that leads to another question... now what? What else should I aim for now? Because I think at this point it's probably safe to assume I wouldn't be doing much physical activity during my NS stint after that medical check-up, I'd also assume that would leave me time to pursue other stuff during the two years. 


So I thought maybe I should try working on composition and theory now. I DO have a grade 8 theory qualification that's equivalent to the prerequisite for LMusTCL... but then seeing the exam format makes me wonder if I'd be taking quite a big leap from grade 8. Then I wonder what other things I could be doing... and realise there's not much. 

9 Jun 2013

I'm Sorry

I'm sorry, but this can't wait. I don't think I can keep waiting for the next time I see the counsellor or another MO or a psychiatrist before I say this. It's been flooding my mind and I need to get it out.

I'm sorry that I've turned out to be one of the few exceptions that's quickly slipping through the cracks in your system. I had suspicions very early on, but never acted on them.

I'm sorry that I restrained myself so much in the beginning, and now I'm paying the price. I'm sorry that I had to drag in so many people that shouldn't even be involved in the first place. I'm sorry that I'm regressing and I didn't anticipate it earlier.

I'm sorry that I pretended to be strong and capable of facing the new strange challenges that I faced, even when I'm not. Faking it till I made it never did, and still isn't working for me. I'm sorry that I'm failing so much at adapting to the culture, the regimentation, the system... I'm hopelessly lost.


Beyond Me

It's getting to the point that I'd really rather spend my time in places other than real life, like my dreams. 

That's not to say all of my dreams are pleasant. There are a few scary ones. Even so, I know I can change the dreams. I've been gaining a little bit more control in my dreams. Funny that at the same time I seem to be losing control over my real life.

My dreams have variety. I may be chilling in the mall, watching a movie in a cinema, playing a game at the arcade, having a nice lunch at a bistro, attending a seminar... or I may be running away from a beast rampaging through the cities, cutting through buildings like butter... or I may be an unlikely hero wielding a mystical sword journeying towards an amethyst tower, ready to slay the evil wizard... or I may be at a theme park experimenting with my ability to fly and defy gravity... 

And my life? My weekdays are strictly confined to a routine that I absolutely hate, and my weekends are mostly spent doing brainless stuff just to recover from the accumulated stress and damage from the weekdays. 

8 Jun 2013

Struggle

Maybe it's time to openly admit I have been too overconfident in myself at the start.

I came into NS thinking about how much the experience would suck if I already entered with a heavy cloud of pessimism over my head. The plan was that I'd adopt a positive attitude towards this. Take in all the new sights and sounds. Treat every event as a learning experience that would someday prove useful to me later on. Make new friends. Have fun.

So I did. For a while. Then I started losing my grip some time through BMT, but I hid it. Looking back, I should have already mentioned something, and I would have been sorted out, preventing the mess that was to come from ever happening at all. But I didn't. I thought, maybe I'm just having problems adjusting to the regimentation, and I just need more time, even if it'll take longer than most people. And I stuck for a while longer, like how I'm expected to react to adversity.

2 Jun 2013

From Ah Boy...

Ten years since SARS struck... that's really something to think about.

When SARS hit, I was still a mostly blissfully ignorant Primary 3 boy who was mostly glad that I didn't have to go to school. What I generally remember was having to stay at home, with no homework other than some weekly/daily(I can't really remember) journal exercise to practise our writing skills... probably. I was just happy I could relax at home, unaware of the emergency situation going on around me. Medical staff frantically tending to the infected while assisting in the screening of other patients... victims dealing with the agony of the symptoms... relatives and friends worried about the possibility of losing their loved ones... We were hit hard, but we bounced back.

So much has occurred over the ten years. After the recovery, Singapore advanced in various areas, boosting our odds of survival in this ever-changing hectic world we live in. Mindsets also changed, and we had to become open to new possibilities. Healthcare and medicine are still constantly improving, among other fields of expertise. Of course, we're still fighting against obstacles, some returning with a vengeance. But we've become much stronger, much more capable.

Am I still the same blissfully ignorant boy from 10 years ago though?