19 May 2013

Just Clearing My Mind Here

This is how I imagine it:

I wake up from my bed. The sky's still a dim blue.

I grab the remote from the bedside cabinet and switch on the TV, while I head to the bathroom to freshen up. The morning news today, fortunately, has delivered more positive content than negative. 

I take the hotel key card, close the door (ah what the heck, I'll let the housekeeper tidy things this time) and take the lift down. Time for a scrumptious continental breakfast.

Alright, back in the room with a fuller stomach and a freshened mind. Grab my laptop, equipment, and other necessities. I'm outta here.


Well I've already been to that place yesterday, it was kinda fun. Where to now... maybe I'll just blindly pick a random MRT station and THERE! Okay, that's my destination.

...

I'm sitting at a table in a cafĂ©, primed with my laptop and coffee in hand. The ambient buzz from the nearby chatter and whirring of machines is just right. 

What should I do now? Continue that story I've been working on? Or brainstorm for more ideas for the half-done lyrics? Maybe I'll switch between both every now and then to stave away the monotony.

The typing on the keyboard is soft and therapeutic, slightly detaching me away from the physical environment around me. For now, it's only the flow of the ideas that matters. I have to free them from my mental cage or they will die undeserving deaths. Even if the ideas are not brilliant by themselves, they may exhibit synergy when fused.

Hmm? What's that melody? Some guy's handphone just rang. That's an interesting tune I've not heard before... maybe I'll note it down somewhere and build upon it in some mini-composition. 

Quick check on Facebook and Twitter... alright. Perhaps I should wander around the streets here. Haven't had much time to use the camera and recorder recently.

...

Ah, finally back in my cool hotel room! So exhausted! But at least I've added on to my sample collection quite a bit. 

I take a quick bath, then take the laptop out again to review on the stuff I've done so far... right after watching some YouTube videos and playing a quick game first. What? I can't have a break from my creative and performing work?



I wouldn't say the above is a completely ideal nor achievable lifestyle for me, but it certainly seems meaningful and resonant to me. It's not the 8/9-to-5 job that many people are prescribed to take. If anything, currently being in a 8-to-5/6 office job at the moment is just making me even more convinced that I should avoid a boring occupation like this, the longer I got stuck in this vocation.

The weird thing is I never really felt like this before until this year. My first notion of a suitable job for me was to be a standard professional performing pianist, given my talent in playing the piano. Then my mindset adjusted to some conditions of reality, and I thought I wouldn't mind doing other jobs like scientific research or engineering, given my inclination towards the sciences.

It only seems that after my separation from the education system, the creative side of my mind is yearning to come out and do something beyond what I felt comfortable in for so long. Maybe that's why I've been lately more obsessed with seeking out new non-mainstream media. Or thinking about interesting ideas for music or games. Or performing for an audience, and not just limited to classical music. Or writing stories.

It's really weird. The previous me would have been comfortable doing the job I'm tasked with right now as part of my military service. I wouldn't complain about it. Yet now I feel increasingly contained and uneasy, like a foreign pathogen becoming increasingly visible to the body's immune system. I either have to leave or perish within.

I know I've mentioned it before, but things will very likely be better had I not botched the audition so badly. And now I want to atone for it by succeeding at my second chance. With each passing work day, I'm even more convinced that just about anybody else can replace me here, and frankly most of them would be more deserving and capable of occupying this spot than I am. The only things stopping me from boycotting work altogether are the dire punishment that would result, and the guilt of hurting others that shouldn't have been involved in the first place had I not screwed up.

Many times I wished I could reverse time and undo my mistakes, but this case is the strongest by far.

Sometimes I also wish I could turn off my brain, except for the necessary functions, so I don't have to feel or remember the suffering when I work...