7 Apr 2013

Time Out

Perhaps falling into a deep slumber wouldn't be so bad after all.

I used to think that it'd totally suck if I fell into some super long coma where I would be out for months or even years. And that's totally logical thinking. Who'd want to spend so much time being unable to move or eat or drink or walk around and spend time with friends or play games or whatever? There's so much out there to do if I had the choice. 

Life was, and still is, buzzing about out there, not waiting for me to dive in and experience the wonders. The waking life, at least. But I think I've grown more and more weary of the downsides of this waking life. 

In no way am I saying that I don't want to live anymore. The good things in life are too numerous and too tantalizing for me to give up that easily. But even taking too much candy would eventually get you sick, and playing a super amazing game for too long will eventually leave you drained and tired of it. All I want is a big time-out from life. Some people take extravagant overseas trips to seek truths or renew their spirits or just temporarily forget about life's burdens, but clearly my allowance would be unable to support that. Even getting a "proper job" later in life would not guarantee enough money in the short-term. 

That's why I've been pondering again about the idea of slipping into a deep sleep and not waking up for a really long time. At the moment I pass the time on weekdays feeling so disconnected from myself, and perceiving events around me as surreal, so it wouldn't really be too different from being in a dream instead. The weekends... okay, some of them are quite fun, but usually I just spend them trying to recover from the weekdays by doing lots of mind-wandering. And that's not too different from dreaming either.

Being in the deep sleep could give me lots of time to do either of two things: dream, or hibernate. I could have the strange coma that involves my subconscious wandering around lots of different dream scenes, maybe even lucid dreams where I could actively sort myself out or immerse myself in fantasies that are beyond reality. Or I could just black out the entire time I have my eyes closed, and do absolutely nothing. That's fine with me too, because at least I don't have to think about anything related to life. 

Another strange thought, but I also want more and more to detach myself from my own physical body and wander temporarily. It's not just psychological bugs in life that annoy me. Physical restraints have also confined me from being the free soul that I wish to be. Like I said, taking my own life is way too drastic an option, so slipping into deep unconsciousness is the closest thing.

I suppose this is related to why I still get drawn strongly towards music since I've first known. Sure, music is a medium for entertainment and transmission of ideas, but it can also temporarily draw listeners into the worlds that the musicians want to create and show off. On the listener's side, I get to escape the real world for a while and explore the other worlds. On the composer's side, I get to craft that very experience. And on the performer's side, I act as the bridge between visitor and creator. In other words, I get to make and experience waking dreams of a sort.

Anyway, the point is that I'm getting more and more drawn towards the idea of taking a break from life altogether. A long one, but not a permanent divorce. One night I'll close my eyes, drift off to sleep, and either spend my time in nothingness, or in an ever-changing odyssey through worlds where I might feel even more alive than in real life, ironically.

And when I wake up, I'll be greeted by a better world that has been anticipating my return trip to reality. 

And perhaps I'll return, with better ideas and a better mind...