20 Oct 2012

Nowhere and Everywhere

If this post sounds like a long weird rambling, I'm trying to get myself unstuck from the limbo I'm currently in.

To be slightly more specific, it's like my state of mind is stuck between a few states, not leaning to any one.

I really don't know why, of all times, I get into this odd emotional/mental stagnancy. I feel I should be focused and worried about the exams creeping (not so) slowly with each passing second, yet I also get this unusual sense of comfort and ease, as though it's already over and I don't need to care about this any longer. And yet another part of me is urging me to just have a lot of fun and indulge in whatever leisurely activities within my comfort zone that I can get my hands on, rationalising that beyond this point of 'A' Levels, life would get more drab and rigid. Contrastingly, some part of me also knows that I can make my own fun and play after these exams too.

It's getting harder for me to stay on track and cast away these distracting thoughts. As the test dates get closer, the unusual heterogenous mix of emotions and thoughts get a little bit more noticeable. Even now I can't get a sense of how I do feel now, despite knowing I should be concentrated on this goal. No Very little room for spending time in non-pragmatic manners is the ideal behaviour. 

The urge to just let myself meander around, pick up intriguing tidbits of information, acquire possibly new useful skills, or even experiment and explore possibilities... I don't even remember trying to suppress it, because frankly I didn't really have one at first. Maybe when you're studying and revising, the other things around suddenly become more interesting?

There's also an urge to go searching for answers to complex questions, both around and within myself. Being this close to getting thrust into "the life of a responsible working adult", I start to wonder if that's really how I should live later on... whether if that's how other people should also live their lives. How do so many of us have big ambitions early in childhood, only to end up in mildly interesting situations that bring their excitement in life to a plateau or even a decline? What really is a meaningful life in the first place? It wouldn't seem right living the rest of my life just blindly following conventions, without knowing the rationales for going along or against the crowd.

I don't know, this behaviour might be really unusual and I should be either calm and collected or stressed and slightly alarmed, not a spectrum. Or maybe it's fine that I should be pondering about such things. Maybe such thoughts are coming in too early and I should save those thoughts for later when the dust settles. Or perhaps I should have been thinking about these things much earlier and already set a more well-defined course to follow throughout life. Is this a way for my mind to escape the boring routine of revision, or a process for me to prepare myself for the road ahead?

Maybe it's not even possible to determine whether it's "normal" or not. People can be different in thought processes after all.

I've tried to just dismiss all these interfering thoughts as mere distractions that are irrelevant to my top priority. At most they are dampened, but they still persist. I don't think such thoughts are completely ridiculous, just that the timing isn't convenient to put it nicely. Philosophy and inquisitiveness don't exactly mix well with hardcore cramming.

I will get around to addressing them eventually. Just hoping that they don't permanently disappear before then, and live the rest of my life without knowing the answers to the forgotten questions that were once dormant in my head...