23 Jan 2009

Loss

Death is never an easy topic to discuss without stepping on anyone's toes. I'll try my best to be as sensitive as possible.

Recently, a Secondary 1 student from my school died from cardiovascular failure(I think). Then, another Secondary student passed away soon after, this time from an acute form of leukemia.

In both cases, I never cried or become very disturbed by their deaths. I couldn't, because I hardly knew them at all. I didn't lose a friend, or a classmate, or a brother. I just couldn't acknowledge the loss of something I didn't have in the first place.

A few days ago, however, I started to appreciate death even more than before.

On Wednesday, I was rehearsing for the performance during the upcoming wedding. We went through the first bit of the second take, when I was suddenly alerted that my grandfather was in a serious condition.

My parents and I left from the church hastily. On the way to my grandfather's house, we got a call that his pulse couldn't be detected. We were getting very worried. I was constantly thinking to myself, "Not now. Please, not now..."

When we arrived, I saw an ambulance outside. The medical team was desperately trying to revive him, while my other extended family could only watch and hope for the best. Some were already crying in fear. Eventually, the medical team gave up, and took the oxygen mask off him. Almost the whole family broke down in tears.

At this time, I still couldn't understand why I couldn't even shed just one. I was devastated that this all happened, but it didn't show in my expression. Maybe I didn't spend enough time with my grandfather to be affected by his passing. Or maybe I was simply strong-willed. I could only bow my head down with regret.

For the past two days, other people came to visit the wake. When I saw my grandfather in the coffin, some negative feeling built up inside me. Maybe it was guilt, but I wasn't sure what I was guilty of.

Because of the mourning, I wouldn't be able to perform at the wedding anymore. Also, I can't visit any other house except my grandfather's during Chinese New Year. The wake also took up a lot of time, which explains why I have been offline for the two days.

Tomorrow's the funeral, and the body will be brought to the crematorium. At this point, I really wish that my grandfather will rest in peace. Sorry but I cannot type Chinese on the laptop. If I cannot shed tears for him, at least I must acknowledge his passing properly.

Same goes for the two students' deaths. I know it's a bit late, but I really feel sorry for their families, friends and anybody else related to him. However, their passing may not be a complete loss. These two students must have left lasting memories and taught important lessons to others, even after death. Unless losing either one of them meant losing your entire life, there are still other opportunities in life waiting to happen.

Once again, may all three of you R.I.P. :'(